What’s in a Year?

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It’s been a year since I’ve blogged…and what a year its been.

This week marks the one year anniversary of the day I found out my husband had cheated on me…again…

and, more importantly, for the last time.

You see, we’d been through the ringer. And came out the other side of infidelity stronger…only to fall right back where we started all over again. I just couldn’t do it anymore. And it created more questions than I thought was possible. Like, did we really come out stronger? How do you get through what we got through only to choose to go through it all over again?

What I ultimately know is that I hung on to my family for dear life. I put more effort and time and energy and prayer into my marriage than anyone I know and it still didn’t work. Why? I don’t know that I have all the answers. But I do know this: It takes two people to make a marriage work. It takes two people to hold a family together. I can have all the good intentions in the world and if my partner isn’t putting in the work and effort right along side me, we’re going to flounder. It’s like rowing a boat. If only one of us is rowing, we’re not going to get anywhere.

This has been a year of changes. Of growth. Of depression. Of hurt. Of days curled up in bed not wanting to get out. Of wondering if I wanted to go on. Of blindly walking through the motions day in, day out. Of determining if I was really doing the right thing. Of being a mom to 4 kids who didn’t ask for any of this to happen to them. Of figuring out who I am. Of learning a new normal. Of being mad at God. Then numb to him. Then grateful to him for what he brought me through.

What’s in a year? More than I could have imagined. Standing on the other side, I’m not going to say that divorce is a good thing. It’s not. It sucks. What happened to me and my children sucks.

But I can say that I am finally finding my voice…and using it.

I can say that I’m not hiding behind some perfect home, perfect, family, perfect marriage anymore that soooo clearly wasn’t.

I can say that I’m surrounding myself with people who care about me and treat me well. First time for everything 🙂

I can say that I’m showing my children, by example every day what it looks like to stand up for what’s right even when it feels like the harder thing to do.

If this year has shown me anything it’s shown me that I’m stronger than I thought I was, braver than I could have imagined, and worthy of more love than I’ve ever experienced.

Wonder what this next year will bring?

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